I remember a time when I couldn’t find any answers within myself. This is a place that feels far away, now. That’s not to say there aren’t moments when I find myself caught up in my thoughts, suddenly unsure, it’s just I’ve learnt what to do when that happens.
I used to be in pain, during these times of answerable questions. I would feel confused and distressed. There was despair at how I could have ‘this far’ and still know nothing. This led to a sense that my life had been a waste, which triggered an anxious feeling of time running out.
In fact, surely it was already too late? That important ‘thing’ that was meant to happen in my youth had not happened. I’d missed my chance. It was a case of just rolling along now, doing the best I could to carry this failure.
Yet, I wasn’t able to give up.
I didn’t know what it was I couldn’t give up on, or what ‘this feeling’ was spurring me on to do, simply that I had to get somewhere other than ‘here’.
As much as ‘here’ felt like a cage, I was determined to find a way out.
These amazing journeys that I have taken, are why it is such a privilege to help others find their way with Creative Coaching. I know fear. I know pain.
So, how did I find my way?
Where I had been ‘going wrong’ was to experience my feelings and try to find a place beyond them. I was facing sadness, frustration and incarceration, and I sought freedom.
But all these feelings were me. I was experiencing what it was to not be able to see myself. I felt the sadness of my soul for being overlooked, the frustration of my heart for not being heard. And that sense of incarceration. This was my instinct, trying to tell me how trapped I was in my mind.
Here I was, desperately trying to get beyond all this, and simply throwing my attention further away from the place that it was needed. Me. I was looking beyond the very thing that was asking to be seen.
Through my writing, my practice of sitting and seeing my thoughts, feeling my body and breath, I began to find a familiarity in these feelings. I realised that all these sensations were simply an indication that someone was there. It was my mind that slathered on an interpretation. It was my mind that decided what to do about it.
Each day, I practiced just making contact with these feelings. They began to feel like company, always there. They slowly felt like love.
It was only my head that said, ‘your life has been a waste. All these years and you still know nothing’. My feelings, were simply feelings – glorious, pure and innocent.
When I sat to write each day, I noticed my thoughts were judgmental. They disapproved of the words I chose, the quality of my sentences. They told me, nothing would come of this.
Yet, on the page, determined not to give up, the words slowly began to separate themselves from these thoughts. Another voice was revealing itself, despite the cage of my mind.
I realised my thoughts were the bars of the cage, and I had got to a place where I was no longer focusing on the bars. Yes, there were still there, as thoughts are, but they could not hold me. I had slipped through to the other side. I watched the cage from a place of freedom. It could not longer keep me from myself.
Finding your strength to persevere is beautiful work that I am trained to help you with. Would you like some support to slip through the bars of your cage?
Thanks @anthonytori for the gorgeous image.